Synchronized
by amberpire
Summary: Because without you, I don't care to know the kind of person I would be. ;Sam/Carly;


Sometimes, I really don't get you. I mean, I'm your best friend. I've been your best friend since we were kids. You'd think that all of these years has made me some kind of Carly expert, and I guess, in a way, I am. I know your every move, every laugh, I know when you're lying and when you're not. I know when you're being genuine and when you're faking, I know the difference between "I'm fine" and "I'm okay". I know every detail of your life because I'm such a huge part of it. But, sometimes, sometimes I don't understand you at all.

It started a long time ago, when we were still kids. You asked me if I would marry you some day. I said that I would, of course, because back then marriage was the boldest expression of love and I just knew you were perfect, even back then. And we had a little wedding in your room with your teddy bear as the priest. I wore a tie. And I kissed you. You said we could be secret girlfriends.

We played that game a lot. Secret Girlfriends, like we were some kind of spies. You kissed me a lot when we played that game and I liked it because kissing you made my stomach twist. You said that no matter what, I would always be your secret girlfriend. I don't remember when we stopped playing that game, but eventually you stopped kissing me, stopped whispering things about forever in the night. It just stopped. I was confused at first but too embarrassed to ask if I was still your secret girlfriend, if I was still as important to you as I had been back then. It wasn't like our friendship was ever bad or anything; we're just as close. There's just no kissing and we don't play secret girlfriends anymore.

And when I say I don't get you sometimes, it's not because we stopped playing that game. We were kids with hardly an idea of what we were doing. I know that people change as they grow up, but I don't think you understand what an impact those silly games left on me. Sometimes I think you've forgotten them entirely, like they never happened, but I still remember the way you held my hand and kissed my cheeks and said that I was your forever.

But the part that really confuses me is when you ask me to cuddle with you at night, how you grab my arm and drape it over your waist. And when we're watching a movie you sink into my lap with your hands entwined with mine. And how when we're out in public you don't look at anyone but me, and you openly play with my hair or my shirt or my fingers and everyone stares and you don't care.

They say that we're gay.

It was never a question to me if I was gay or not. I'm not gay. The only person I've ever been attracted to is you. It's just chance that you're a girl. I've never wanted another girl or a boy as much as I've wanted you. And it really has nothing to do with your appearance, either. I mean, of course you're gorgeous to me, but first you're just Carly and I've been in love with you since I 'married' you. It makes sense that I would fall in love with you, anyway. You're my best friend. I tell you everything. Well, almost everything, everything but these conflicting feelings.

People think I'm stupid or something, not deep enough to have complex thoughts or emotions. But I do and you know that, if you're the only person. You know I have insight and I'm really not as dumb as I come off to be. You're the only one who's even cared to know what knowledge I do have. I just don't want to show it to anyone else. I only want you to know that side. It's your side of me that no one else can have. I like it that way.

I get you and I don't. You make perfect sense and yet confuse me all at once. I'm not your secret girlfriend anymore, but the way you look at me hasn't changed. And even when you've had boyfriends, like Griffin, you've always come back to me. Not to brag, either, but you never looked at him or any other guy the way you look at me. Because you look at me like I'm more than a person and I know that doesn't make sense, but every time I turn my gaze at you, it's how I feel when I see you staring back at me. It's weird because there was no inner struggle to find out what I am or who I was supposed to be with; it's always been you. There was never a doubt that I'm supposed to be with you in whatever form you want me. That's never been something I questioned, not for a moment. From the minute I met you, from the very second you smiled at me I knew that there was such a thing as soulmates.

But maybe soulmates come in different forms. The kind that love each other, the kind that are always there for each other, the kind that you'll never let go. Because without you, I don't care to know the kind of person I would be. Thinking about my life without you in it is scary, terrifying, because the only purpose I have when I wake up in the morning is to see you. And I don't care if that sounds stupid or cliche or lame, it doesn't matter because I know you wouldn't think so if I told you.

I'm sure you know. You're not stupid or oblivious. I think maybe you're scared, you're scared to kiss me the way you used to because that would change everything, it would make everything different. Not necessarily bad, but different, and we're both so used to this, so used to how everything has been for us. I'll admit that I'm scared too, if I ever tried to make this something more. Not because I think it would go badly, things would just change. And I like familiarity especially when it comes to you. I know I'm safe where you are. And sometimes I think that maybe things should just stay the way they are because I'm lucky enough as it is to even know you, let alone have the honor of being able to kiss you. I don't want to take advantage of anything I have.

I get you and then there are the times when I don't know what I should do, what we should be doing, all I know is that I like it when you touch me, when you look at me, when you talk to me and tell me things no one else knows. I like the way you move and act when you're around me like you don't have to hide anything. Nothing is forced, or strained, or awkward, it's all natural for us and it's always been that way. I don't want to lose that, ever, even if it means living in the what-ifs.

* * *

I like the way you're looking at me right now. Like you see something I don't when I look in the mirror.

All I've been thinking about is you. You and you and more you and then later again, you. And I'm in your room, on your bed, sprawled out watching TV and you're next to me, watching me. You do that a lot; stare at me. I never cared, never even noticed that it should be weird that you do that because I've always been okay with everything you do but this time I turn and look right back at you. Your lower lip is wedged between your teeth and it's too cute and you don't even know it.

It's weird, because I know what you're going to ask before you say it. We're synchronized that way. I can see it in your eyes, the words you've been wanting to say. The words _I've _been wanting to say. The question we're both afraid to ask: _what are we and what is this?_

It's not that it needs a title. I don't feel like we have to label this because it's not like that would make this any more important. Some things don't need titles. Some thing just are.

"Do you remember when we used to play Secret Girlfriends?" You're smiling and a blush runs to your cheek and we're both remembering the same things; us hiding behind a dumpster and kissing, us ducking under the tables at lunch to tell each other that we were still secret girlfriends, the notes we would pass claiming our forever ... I can see it in your face and I know it's just as etched into mine.

"Yeah." I grin, propping my head up on one elbow and you just stare up at me with that blush still lingering on your features. "That was my favorite game, not going to lie."

You smile at me, reaching up to thread your fingers in my hair and it feels nice and comfortable because you do that a lot, touch me like that. Intimate. Everything between us has always been intimate, even the silly things. "Mine, too."

I flick my gaze away from you, not because I don't want to look at you, but because this is a cross-roads and I'm not sure where to take it. I have both scenarios in my head; turning back to the TV and not saying anything, or pursuing your words. It would be easy. I can see it etched in your every pore, but I know you're wondering what we should do, too. I can see both futures clearly and in both of them you're there, but in one I'm kissing you and the other I'm watching you kiss someone else.

You won't wait forever. Neither will I.

"Why did we quit playing?"

I turn as you speak, relieved somehow that you made the decision and I didn't have to. Because now that you've said those words, it's easier, it's better, because suddenly the other future doesn't seem as great. I smile at you, tilting my head and furrowing my brow like I'm truly contemplating your question. "I don't know. How silly of us. We could just ..." I place a finger on your arm and slowly walk up it. Goosebumps rise on your skin. It's kind of exhilarating knowing you have such an effect on someone. "... take up where we left off?"

You twist your lips in a smile and roll forward, you arms circling around my neck and I fall on my back and let you lay on top of me for a while. My eyes are on your lips, full and pink and soft and I haven't kissed them in years but I remember exactly what they feel like. And I know you're watching mine. My lips are burning.

"We could throw out the secret part," I mumble at you, and I watch your lips fly upward and a laugh vibrates your chest against mine. But then your face is serious and it makes me uneasy. I raise my hands to touch your cheeks.

"Are you sure?" You whisper the words, gauging me.

"Are you?"

I want whatever you do and you want whatever I do. The one common thing we have is that we want each other in some way, it's just to what degree.

You answer me with your lips and I know that there is just one future for us and there's no turning back.


End file.
